Ends on a Low Note... Very Low....

well 2006 had to end on the lowest possible note ever.....

let me first explain again if i haven't already, why this blog exists. this blog exist as an outlet for me to express myself. where else can i talk out loud about the thing i like or don't like. i don't bitch around, much anyways, in real life so i do it here. just that i let the world read my stuff and an insight to my disturbed soul. this blog is my diary of sorts and it keeps me sane to a certain extent. that why my blog exists. things i may type here are not to be discussed out in the real world. i have a public persona and pernal one too and wen in public i behave differently to wat i write here. you have to be very close to me for me to open up to you. don't i maybe smiling but rest assured taht there is something i feel like crap about. i just don't want to ruin your day talking to you about it.

and also let me first apologize in advance. if you happen to read this, which i think you will, i have to say I'M SORRY. things that i am going to write next will hurt your feelings but it has hurt me more. there is nothing wrong with you. you are who you are as i am who i am. you are wonderful person. great and i mean it. i'm not trying to attack you or anything. its just the things people say and their actions and behaviour that irks me. its not you. PLEASE don't be offended. really once again. i'm sorry if i offend you or hurt your feelings. you know who you are.

with that i shall start my blog proper.

you can tease me and taunt me. i'm not the most butch or macho man in the world. i can take it. i have putting up with it for the most part of my life. you can tell me i'm a weakling and not strong that i know very well. lets just say i can't take alot of shit and not take it personally. but there somethings that people say that will hit me where it hurts. even in the strongest walls there are weak spots. this happened the other day.

"eh why you become sergeant? why cannot (insert name here) become sergeant?" wah wen he said that to me, i was stunned for awhile. tried to do some damage control and FYI its not education level that determines if you can go and be a spec. First of all, i'm not from the MONO, i'm from Tekong and it just so happened that i was posted at the wrong time and maybe at the wrong place. you think i want to be in that godforsaken place? it was quite hurt by that comment.

but too late the seeds was planted. correction, the seed has already been planted this was just the water to nourish it. for things have happened before similiar to this. people have to go thru other people wen i'm in the bloody vicinity. i was there. yet, nobody asks me. i could be standing in the same room but oh ho nooo, lets call up somebody else and ask. wen i am freaking in the room.

some people have no trust in me. they have no confidence in me. and these people are important figures in my work. how can i work if they have very little confidence in me. they prefer others to take my job. if you have little confidence in me why not post me out and find someone else to take over? although they never say it but can see it in the way they talk to me and the general feeling i get wen i'm around them. you prefer someone else, i know but your stuck with me. how am i supposed to work properly if i know there is little support behind me? maybe i'm insecure i dunno. its just how i feel.

but how can you compare both of us? we are both different people. we have our strengths and weakness. i know i don't deserve the rank. i was promoted on the fact taht i had to be promoted. how could i be right?

i have no physical fitness to speak of.
i can't command, ppl don't listen to me.
i'm "soft" not macho.
wen you look at me you don't see authority or power.
my medical skills are a mess.
i have no organizational skills.
i'm silly and illogical.

my weaknesses outweigh my strengths. i'm not perfect, i will never be, but at least have some confidence in me. and don't compare me with others. i'm trying hard to do my job, i am fucked up i noe but i am who i am.

once again don't take this the wrong way, i don't mean to hurt people's feelings or make enemies. i just want to let it out, if i keep it in i'll most probably die. the only person hurt here is me. my confidence has died. i feel so depressed and down right now. wat a way to start the new year.