Sunday, December 28, 2008

I think my soul is Damaged

in the previous post i said that SG depresses me... but now i think its actually damaging my soul... lemme explain....

well before i left for my studies i was often sad and melancholy..well heck i might have been very well having bouts of depression.... having depressing thoughts about small things..insecure about myself and my abilities... oh yes i'm admiting it right here and now... i have problems and issues...

but when i left for aussie i sort of healed my soul... i became more confident and i think the word would be content with myself... i was smart and confident.. i didn't fret about what i wore... i wore what i wanted... i didn't worry that much about my weight... i was cool and i liked it...

i was happy....

but within days of coming back to my homeland the vibe of the country began to wear down the pillars of happiness and confidence that i built when i was in Aust. i began to worry about how i looked, was i too fat? look at everybody having nice leaned toned bodies.... smooth flawless skin... look at the couples enjoying their love. when is it my turn? whats wrong wif me? why can't i be in a relationship... thoughts like these flooded my mind for the past few days...

cumulating into a battle with my thoughts last night... boy did it last a long time... it seemed like hours... trying to hold back those negative thoughts from taking over my mind.. they are still there in the back of my head gnawing away at the walls of my soul....

The society in Sg is a shallow one..especially the one that i have catergorized myself into... in SG i'm not cool and interesting... no matter if i'm smart or can hold a conversation or make u laugh... if i don't go the gym, have nice arms, a good tan, short hair, V-shaped bod.... i am nothing... in people's eyes i'm jsut a strange person... nothing....

sad isn't it? this is how i see it... nothing has presented to me otherwise to change my mind...

i dare not go clubbing in Sg... i fear that it will destroy the last bits of my self esteem... all the bronzed gods strutting their stuff in their size 29 jeans... i can't take it...

is taht what it takes to get noticed? to trugde down to the Temple of Vanity a.k.a the Gym and work my ass off to get a somewhat nice body and get noticed? like seriously... is it? your body and ur youth can only take u so far....

oh so many thoughts to think over and i need to do alot of soulsearching.... maybe instead of building walls to shiled myself and should just embrace it and be destroyed utterly and completly... but rising again stronger and better equipped?

in the still of the night i face myself in battle... for the survival of my soul....

2 comments:

first_aid_kid said...

You're wrong! Don't be damaged! There are still people that find you VERY interesting! So keep your head up! and maintain your dignity! Who cares what people think!?

Just Me said...

tt's powerful feelings but rem you're still a winner!